Snotty Funny Status Messages

   My morning bowel movement would be a lot more relaxing if it happened at home or at work instead of during my commute

   If a 99 pound person eats 1 pound of nachos,,, that person is 1% nacho

   No one has higher hopes than a newly divorced man in his 40's selecting his first bottle of Axe body spray

   Remember that weird kid who ate boogers in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! ,,Just kidding, He died......... (come on,,he ate boogers)

   I'm playing Nickelback at your funeral to make sure you're really dead and not faking it

   Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an idiot,,,,,, This needs to be a bumper sticker.

   I pulled my wife's hair this morning. First, from the shower drain and then from my toothbrush.. Really wasn't all that hot, honestly.

   Dudes,,, If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say,,,, talk in your sleep

   Nice try fat families with stick figure people on the back of their van

   Listen, I don't make the rules,,, Where I come from, when you lick something and yell MINE,, it's yours.....So, ya know, get in my van please.

   Portland's waste water treatment facility has the best motto..... "Our duty is clear"

   If you have never said "Luke, I am your father" into an empty pringles can, then you probably should get on that

   ARE YOU LOSING MONEY EVERY TIME YOU BATHE? If you're taking cash into the shower, the answer may surprise you.... Stay tuned.

   I remember when "the RAM in your computer" referred to literal rams, with horns, who turned the giant wheel that powered our electronics.

   If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore... That's how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

   Hey, NSA,,,, if you're going to read my posts, would it kill you to like them?

   Joined a gym once. 12 bystanders were injured. So much blood. 2 people renounced their faith. At night I still hear the treadmill screaming

   Pro tip: On Canadian Wheel of Fortune,,, ALWAYS buy the letter 'eh'.

   Obviously this cat thinks I won't punch a cat

   Beware the OCD Mafia - They're into REALLY organized crime