JOser Funny Status Messages

   I'm thinking of a number between one and who gives a sh*t

   First, Alaska brought us Sarah Palin. Now, "smoked salmon flavored vodka." Can we get a restraining order against them?

   I get blamed for everything. Looks like I have no choice but to run for president.

   people will believe anything if you whisper it.

   Wipe your mouth. There's still a tiny bit of bullsh*t around your lips.

   Let me know if anyone's hiring right now... I specialize in destroying alarm clocks and petting kittens.

   Nothing makes me feel more American than the fact that my button has just popped off of my pants.

   Deleting your Facebook account is a quick way to find out what people will say at your funeral.

   Men: if your woman makes you sleep on the couch, use the cushions to build an awesome fort and then hang a "no girls allowed" sign.

   The only thing I hate more than people who make fun of other people is people who don't laugh when I do it.

   Walmart smells like ugly

   I don't trust people who don't have middle names...

   After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.

   If the store didn't want me to flop naked into the frozen foods, it shouldn't have put them so close to the front door on a 90° day.

   Just got a chance to listen to my voicemails. I was pretty popular in 2009.

   I'm getting bored with gravity. Time for an update with new features, universe!

   Tip: if you're going to call out sick, make sure your co-workers aren't your FB friends and can see the pics you posted drunk last night

   This day needs more yesterday...

   When caught with weed, never assume anything but the position...

   It takes a real Phil Collins fan to name one of their children Sussudio. That child is destined to stutter.