Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's so cold out that you can milk a cow and get instant ice cream.

   Cleaning

   Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

   MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME

   game over

   ask why

   ever ask why

   My wife got in the shower with me this morning. She said “Mmm baby I want you to do bad things to me. So I put shampoo in her eyes.

   Question, Can Happiness buy money?

   I'll be baby sitting this Valentine's Day $150 per kid. (inbox me)