andrew jackson Funny Status Messages
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Remember, if you're in public and have the winter vomiting bug, be polite and vomit into your elbow.
I went to jail as a teenager and I cried the whole time. Haven’t played Monopoly since.
If I were a sheriff in the old west, I'd make some "WANTED" posters that said "NOT INTERESTED" so insecure outlaws would just come to me.
Alanis Morissette sang about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. Question: why do you have 10,000 spoons?
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That's not lazy, that's proactive.
I got kicked out of the supermarket for comparing apples and oranges. Manager said "you can't do that cause it would be like co..forget it."
And with the official start of baseball season today, the Chicago Cubs have already been eliminated from the playoffs.
I know you think saying you need everything "ASAP" makes you seem important, but really it makes you seem like you can't plan.
I ain't sayin she's a gold digger, but she ain't messing with no broke white guy who's afraid to finish the rest of this lyric.
I refuse to celebrate Earth Day until Wind & Fire are recognized.
To any babies out there, I'm impressed that you can read this.
No offense DiGiorno, but if someone cooks a frozen pizza at home and confuses it with a person delivering a pizza, they might be insane.
The best reply to "I love you" is "Well that's a terrible idea."
Just before I wrecked myself, I had the sense to chickity check myself.
FUN FACT: Only one word in the English language is ever pronounced correctly, and that word is correctly.
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
Christopher Walken talks like he swallowed too many commas.
Kissing burns 6.4 calories per minute. Wanna workout?
She walked into the bar like she owned the place. She was like, very concerned with potential health and fire code violations. It was weird
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don't love anything.
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