Snotty Funny Status Messages

   This cat poop tastes like I'm about to get yelled at. -- Dogs

   Two do list: -Do -Do

   Women need a tattoo that somehow signals their menstrual cycle............ * A Cramp Stamp

   I have always been suspicious of Wendy's hamburgers because they are square,,,, much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

   I confuse metaphors like its my business

   My bucket list, is just me wanting to sit on a throne,, and slow clap sarcastically after somebody's speech.

   I feel like I forgot something when I left the house today.... Pants. It was definitely pants.

   "And that's why we can't have nice things." *me looking at my pay check

   Just found a message in a bottle..... It read,, "Whatever you do, just don't tell Sting where I am."

   Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.

   Everytime you tweet something with a typo in it, someone gots a degree from the University of Phoenix

   Finally!! Mankind gets a message from Mars... *The President reads it to all humanity YOUR FRIGGING ROBOT IS DOING DONUTS ON MY LAWN

   I think sometime over the weekend,, I turned the food pyramid upside down and served chips out of it

   Pick up artist getting bullied: stop hitting on yourself. Stop hitting on yourself

   FYI: Push-up bras don't actually help you do more push-ups :(

   I still have a hard time believing that Land Down Under by Men At Work isn't Australia's national anthem.

   We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids,,,, a game known to most other people as Being Poor.

   Men In Black, Panties..... #AddaWordRuinaMovie

   That's right,, Doctor Smug, I DO drink eight glasses of water a day.... I just filter them through coffee grinds first.

   There's a 95% chance that you'll go through your whole life without ever knowing the next line to "Blinded By The Light."