Snotty Funny Status Messages

   every time a hipster says they can't eat gluten Zooey Dechanel gets an extra eyelash

   Dear coworker who just microwaved hobo feet for lunch,,,, We hate you.. Love Stanley

   If you use a Wal-Mart bathroom there's no need to wash your hands... You're going to die anyway.

   *Does impersonation of the Swedish Chef for no reason 5 minutes into first date*

   Sorry I yelled GET A ROOM when your grandma was hugging your grandpa's coffin.

   GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask ,, " Notice anything different?'................. * works EVERY time

   By all means,, Keep filming that crying African baby for our sake. Whatever you do, don't pick it up, or shoo the flies away, or feed it or anything humane.

   "Can't go wrong with oolong"... is my favorite tea shirt.

   According to my calculations,,,, The Rock should beat Edward Scissorhands in a fight

   People in glass houses should probably buy their Windex at Costco.

   Careful...I've already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn't end well for you.

   I wonder if Tommy Lee, Tom Jones, and Tommy Lee Jones all get each other's mail.

   Sorry, I can't make it,,, months are just a really busy time of year for me

   Truthful tuesday: When I see something funny on the feed here, I don’t usually laugh.. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.

   Every time two or more motorcycles ride side by side on the road,,, a bald eagle is gently wrapped in an American flag by The Lord.

   MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog's pre-puke warning grunts.

   61.My mom found a spot between her boobs this week,,, the doctor eased her worries telling her it was just her belly button.

   Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms... 2. Describing tumors... 3. Playing golf

   Why would a woman come with instructions? Have you ever seen a man read instructions?

   So far,,, I've spent 300% of this week exaggerating.