Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I'd like the chicken-fried steak please.."Um lemme get back to you". * runs to kitchen, "YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK?"

   *Looks at Olive Garden menu.... "Waiter?,, Up up down down left right left right B A"... Waiter: "Unlimited breadsticks, coming right up"

   "As a matter of fact, pepsi IS okay"... *whole restaurant gasps... *rookie busboy vomits

   My OCD can run circles around your anxiety disorder.... Perfect, organized circles.

   PRO TIP: The easiest way to kill off mice in your house is to leave tiny motorcycles everywhere but no helmets.

   🎶Sweet dreams are made of cheese/ Who am I to diss a Brie/ Cheddar the world and the Feta Cheese/ Ev'rybody's lookin for Stilton🎶

   My mom is so bad at texting. She meant to say "I love you" and she accidentally sent "You're a huge disappointment"... lol parents can't text

   Wait?.. If being vegetarian is SO good for you, how come you don't have the energy to shave your armpits?

   1964:"Remember kids," As our youth basketball coach said, "there's no "i" in team.".. "Not yet," whispers 5th grade Steve Jobs, ".. not yet."

   "WHAT DO WE WANT?"... FEWER QUESTIONS... "WHEN DO WE WANT IT?"... GODDAMNIT DAVE, WE'RE SERIOUS

   Forget the melting polar ice caps, the most devastating element of the future will surely be how many grandmas have tramp stamps.

   Why is our society failing?.. Because the slow gazelle doesn't get eaten anymore.. *see kiddie soccer.

   I visited my Proctologist today & he informed me that my condition might be rectified

   If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to..

   Sometimes I'll re-read my older jokes that I once thought were funny and think,,, "I am the lamest person who ever lived."

   Yes Timmy,, The universe contains protons, neutrons, electrons............ but mostly morons, the universe is FULL of morons..

   I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel's program "Deadliest Catch" wasn't about first marriages.

   My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.

   So the clown at my kid's birthday party has been pulling a CVS receipt out of his sleeve for the past 20 minutes..

   Sorry I'm late,, the floor was lava