Snotty Funny Status Messages

   If police are gonna profile,,, they gonna look for a spade dressed like a gangsta

   I can't find my phone,,, I must be on Malaysia Airplain mode

   I thought lubing my arse with vegetable oil would make my poop come out faster, but I just slipped off the toilet and shat on the floor.. :(

   On a scale of 1 to a weatherman,,, how good are you at lying?

   6 yr old: Dad, why did the Tooth Fairy write me a check?...Me:Umm, I don't know but she needs you to hold on to it until the 15th.

   The longer I sit on this bidet at The Olive Garden,,, the more it looks like it's just a sink.

   DIET HACK: You can use flour tortillas as napkins

   *Oprah gets up to do Harvard's commencement speech*... And you get a diploma and you get a diploma and you get a diploma and you get a diploma

   "Dad what's an infinite loop?"..."Ask your mother."... "Mom what's an infinite loop?"... "Ask your father."... "Dad what's an infinite loop?"... "Ask your........

   FYI: If a test asks for the capital of North Dakota you can write "who cares" and it won't be marked as incorrect.

   How To Get Rich: 1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson...2. Empty it the next day.... 3. Become a millionaire.

   I'm old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.

   Can't we just agree that disagreeing is what we agree on?

   There once was a man from Nantucket, whose name was Dave. Real nice guy. Gave me some great directions on how to get to Applebee's.

   I spend like 82% of cleanup time trying not to say "or it gets the hose again" after telling the kids to put toys in the basket.

   Image makeover idea #1: Haiti should rename itself Likey.

   Life Tip: Always read medication instructions in a mocking voice

   What is the term for a group of Canadians?.. Is it "an apology"?.... as in, "Oh look, there goes an apology of Canadians"

   "My son, one day all this will be yours," I say proudly, sweeping my hand over reams of medical charts that explain all our familys genetic defects.

   If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around,,, Will the entire tree still be used to print a single CVS receipt?