Snotty Funny Status Messages

   For Sale: Gently used Boeing 777. Everything looks to be there except black box. Comes with like 257 tourists & new rims. No weirdos or checks.

   At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

   Old MacDonald had a farm, EIEIO.... He couldn't produce on the scale required to make a profit at current market prices and got foreclosed, EIEIO...

   Umm, your honour? In my defence,,, I think it was a pretty decent exposure.

   At lunch, I thought the meat at Taco Bell was green for St. Patrick's Day,,, but I am now second guessing that assumption.

   "Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we're gonna have to ask you to leave."

   My morning alarm tone is The Price is Right loser music

   What's the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick?......... *Asking for my 2 year old

   It makes me sad that elderberries are always being replaced by younger, hotter berries

   Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It's now a Walmart.

   My family tree is a cactus,,,,,, Yeah, we're mostly pricks.

   My wife just had my tubes tied, and now She's become........inconceivable.

   Being married means you never hav--- WOULD YOU QUIT CHEWING SO GODDAMN LOUD?

   Coffee so black the police plant evidence on it.

   If you love something, set it free... If it returns, it probably can't pay its student loans.

   You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they're flying too close together?

   Starting to think this 30 minute documentary about the amazing Shark vacuum cleaner might be a commercial.

   Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but,, I was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

   Those that still can't believe it's not butter have margarinal faith.

   How many Smurfs have to die for the liquid in a porta-potty?