Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I'm giving up picking my belly button for Lint

   Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???

   Hey Social media newbies, remember if you try really hard and excel at this, in a couple years, you too can turn it into a source of no income.

   Just broke up a fight between my wife and a car seat.

   My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today

   A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he'd couldn't whine on FB.

   Divorce changes you... For instance, it makes you single......... * Inspirational post

   Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won't need to know cursive,but you will need the ability to type with thumbs... The future is weird.

   I just shook my keyboard upside down... Breakfast is served.

   This weekend, I forgot to set the thermostat ahead on my clock,,,, Mine's still set for winter...

   At my funeral, I want you guys to read my jokes... That way, everyone feels a little bit better about me being dead.

   Justin Beiber hates being told she's talented, and I can sympathize... I hate being told she's talented, too.

   Can someone please unfriend me ? My friend count is on an uneven number and it is making me anxious.

   A zombie friend of mine entered the NY city marathon,,, And if you MUST know,,, Yes, He came in dead-last

   I guess you could call her a trophy wife. She’s tattooed with the names of the previous winners.

   Listen Nyquil instructions,,, YOU are not the boss of me.

   I bet Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs has a crapload of W2s

   O.J Simpson has vowed to never stop searching for Malaysian Flight 370.

   So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

   I have an eating disorder, where I eat dis order,,, and dat order,,, and dis other order on the next table.