Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I'm not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn't looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.

   I always have skis mounted on the roof of my car just in case I flip it and land in the snow.

   Mus in the 60s, orange in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s... * the history of tang

   By the way, that gluten-free muffin you just enjoyed? I lied...it is absolutely TEEMING with glutens!,,,,, HAHAHAHA! Goodbye, Mr. Bond.

   Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might actually just be thirsty.. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

   Bumper sticker: Sorry for driving so close in front of you...

   Obituaries are the first thing my Nana checks in the paper on Saturdays... I think she enjoys getting through to the next round.

   A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that

   I get angry when I think about how much time I spent learning to write cursive.

   It's weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.

   Truthful Tuesday: Deep down,, I don't believe that paper beats rock.

   I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.

   "Thesaurus", Was the first dinosaur to get murdered... Ugh, No one likes a know it all.

   Why can't I find out anything on Google about this Superb Owl

   Hey Auto-Correct,,, The intensive porpoises are here.. They say you have something for them.. Yes, all of them

   Hello and welcome to DeVry orientation.. Sign-in sheets are on the left, Steve is passing out your diplomas,,, thanks & congrats class of 10:47.

   love how music takes you away to another place... For example, RobinThick is playing at this bar, so now I’m going to another bar.

   The first rule of chess club: If you've ever seen a boob you're the hero of chess club.

   What do you think Kanye West is gonna get Kanye West for Valentine's Day this year?

   If Kenny Rogers, Cher and Bruce Jenner stood right by a really hot radiator,,, who do you think would melt first?