Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Parents w/ 1st Baby: "Aww, he's starting to walk! C'mon buddy, you can do it!".. Parents w/ Baby #4: "CRAP, HE'S STANDING! QUICK, SWEEP THE LEG!"

   We should just "pile on" and ask Chris Christie about the Velveeta shortage...

   Just convinced the teen up the street that he needs to change the winter air out of his tires and put in summer air... Don't do dope, kids.

   I've got this really good recipe were I burn the hell out of everything and we go out for pizza.

   Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?

   Wanna feel old? In about 6years it will be the roaring 20s again

   If you have feelings for me,,, thats your problem not mine,

   Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?

   The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper..

   Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.

   Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on.

   That One Direction tour bus must be a living hell when they get their periods at the same time.

   French vanilla is just like regular vanilla except it smokes too much cigarettes and doesn't bathe.

   I bet Tom Hanks sends a letter to The Academy Awards this year that he signs "Sincerely, T. Hanks for nothing"

   "Boop"... *Zebra walking past a self service checkout.

   If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers,,, You'll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

   Girls are unique,,, they want you to know how they feel but they don't want to tell you

   If on Superbowl Sunday, The Broncos win,, I'll shave my chest hair and glue it to the top of my head,,, If they don't, I'll wait till the day after.

   OMG you guys!. I Almost hit a jogger while I was taking a selfie and driving today... So please you guys, be careful,,, do NOT jog.

   Genie: Thank you for freeing me,, I will grant you 3 wishes, what is your first?.. Me: more wishes!.. Genie: A genie can only grant 3 wishes... Me: Well then, more genies!!.. Genie: Aww, crap