Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   January is what Monday would look like if it grew up.

   Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.

   I'd rather mail myself somewhere than ride in a Smart Car.

   Sometimes when I see a married couple, it appears to me like two people joined together to become one desperately boring person.

   Some of these girls look like they masturbate to their own selfies.

   I couldn't handle life if I wasn't weird.

   Yesterday I met my ex-girlfriend’s son and told him about how I once auditioned to be his father.

   Whenever I see a happy couple, smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love, I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.

   How can I lose weight if the best part of my day is based on food?

   I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.

   The more complicated the coffee order the more complicated the person.

   Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.

   Scales at the doctors office should come with a hug.

   Pro tip: when you wake up, reach for your GF's boobs before reaching for your phone to check your Facebook. Women love that.

   Sometimes a status I have worked so hard on goes unnoticed and unliked. So I get it women who spent two hours getting ready and your boyfriend doesn’t even notice.

   I really like what you've done with your crazy.

   Animals that walk on two legs like humans should wear underwear.

   Your tongue is the best alarm clock.

   Look me in the lazy eye and tell me you love me. Other eye.

   Every date is the first date if you get black out drunk every time.