GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Have you ever noticed that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointing away from earth?

   I was watching a TV show on the top ten ways to avoid a shark attack. I was shocked to hear that "stay out of the water" wasn't number one.

   Guys, if the relationship fails, don't blame her only. It takes 2 people to mess up a relationship. Blame her and her mother.

   The difference between humans and animals? Animals would never allow the dumbest ones to lead the pack.

   I'm a firm believer that every traffic jam begins with one idiot.

   If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day I'd put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink or dessert. Then I'd sit back and watch the madness unfold at every table.

   If you honk at me .025 seconds after the light turns green I'm going to put my vehicle in park, adjust my seat, check my tire pressure, change my oil, return some emails, eat a snack, read a book, brush my teeth, nap, and build a LEGO set.

   Walmart is opening dental offices in some of its stores. I'm sure they will have an express lane for people with 10 teeth or less.

   My wife is not talking to me today because she asked me what the female equivalent of the "mancave" is and I told her it's called the kitchen.

   I couldn't get a reservation at my local library. They were booked!!!

   I told the bank manager that I wanted to open a joint account. He asked who with? I said, the customer with the most money.

   Now that I've gotten older I've come to realize why Bigfoot stays away from people.

   The officer asked, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" And we just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.

   Someday when scientists discover the center of the universe, a lot of people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.

   Research has shown that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm off to the park to laugh at all the joggers.

   I finally realized it... People are prisoners of their phones. That's why they are called cell phones.

   The clocks go back this weekend. Hopefully back to when we could afford groceries.

   My class essay on internal organs was too short. So I added an appendix.

   How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

   Marriage tip: If your wife says she's only getting two things at the store, don't believe her. She's lying!