Snotty Funny Status Messages

   *eats apple while maintaining eye contact with doctor*

   Nutella flavoured toothpaste... *steps on stage*... *collects million dollar prize*

   If I was blind, I would say "That's something you don't see everyday",,,, To just about every comment.

   Just tried to type "HAPPY NEW YEAR" but my phone went with "HAPPY NEW ZEALAND",,, So yeah,,, wishing everyone that.

   Nice try 3rd grade music teacher,,, I don’t believe for one second that there were two John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidts.

   We can all agree that Joan Rivers is now basically just human taxidermy,,, right?

   Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

   Horton hears much better after his visit to the otolaryngologist,,, Though he could have done without the "big ears" comment.

   Welcome to camouflage club. I can see clearly that we have a big turnout this week, which is very disappointing.

   So this blind man walks into a bar,,,,,,,, and a chair,, and a table.

   Sorry I called you stupid. It was insensitive and heartless of me... Also, I just assumed that you knew.

   If by cold,, you mean my freezer is keeping things WARMER than the outside air temps,,, then yes it's cold...

   Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

   Miley Cyrus is already 41 in trailer park years

   One of the bigger mistake men make is thinking they have to understand what they're apologizing for.

   It's that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions...... * Ummm, Kids,, I meant my kids

   Whenever I have a bad day,,, I just remind myself that there are people out there who have their ex's name tattooed on their body

   I'm not saying I gained weight over the holidays... All I'm saying is bring me Solo and the Wookie.

   I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday... *Usually either Nestlé or Captain.

   Hi,,, I'm here for an oil change and an estimate for $100's of dollars of work that I'll say I'll get done another time but never come back.