Snotty Funny Status Messages

   If having a dog has taught me anything,,, It's how to eat steak very quickly... *No chewing needed

   If I ever get rich, the first thing I'm going to do is start calling my comforter a duvet... And then maybe I'll learn all the names for lettuce.

   'twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming... Just cuz I went into the wrong house

   So, if Professor X can move objects with his mind,,, why can't he make his legs move?

   500,000 people signed up for Obamacare and the McRib is back... You do the math.

   Memo from Santa: Due to the rising cost of coal, this year people on the naughty list will be receiving Nickelback CDs.

   Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like CRAP,,, until you have something someone else needs

   Ugh,,, This oatmeal tastes like It's gonna need a donut.

   I test drove a BMW and much to my surprise,,, ALL the blinkers worked!................ Explain that,, All you owners

   North Korea's fax: USA, We will attack you without warning... p.s. This fax is not a warning... p.s.s. This fax is not indicative of our technology

   Dear lady in front of me,,, it's a speed bump, not a friggin land mine

   If miley cyrus and justin beiber were drowning, and you could only save one........ What kind of sandwich would you make?

   Ya'll are welcome to try and seize the day... I gave it a whirl, but the damn thing bit me.

   How many light bulbs does it take to change people?

   Give a vegan a fish,,, then never hear the end of it.

   We had our first meeting of the Rule Club... There was a fight.

   I'm white,, but not "donates to PBS public television for $50 a month to receive a Free DVD of the programm I just watched for Free".. white.

   Things that don't kill bees: 1: furnutire polish 2: Febreeze 3: butter 4: screeming

   Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo

   As soon as they start selling cars that drive themselves, I'm getting a booster seat for my cat, and he's gonna chauffeur my arse everywhere.