Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I tried to bring sexy back,,, but they said it wasn't in it's "original" condition

   At least once a year, we should all be allowed to go to Microsoft headquarters and reboot all of their PCs without giving them notice.

   The "mayday" button on the new Kindle Fire should be renamed the "let me show you my weiner" button,,, 'cause that's all it's gonna be used for.

   Remember,,, If a three year old is quiet, they are usually trying to burn your house down and find batteries to eat

   So if you're blind and on the toilet do you wipe until the dog barks or how does that work?

   Let's be honest,, At some point, you'd think there'd be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City's penitentiaries.

   What does it make me if I put Nutella on this brown sugar & cinnamon poptart? A genius... The correct answer is genius.

   If you're happy and you know it clank your chains.

   People who drive slower up hills know how cars work,,, right?

   My sister is adopted,, but I like to tell people she's "a rescue".

   If I was dyslexic,, I totally would've won Powerball last night.

   Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.

   Ask your doctor if it’s the right OCD medication for you... Then ask him 3 more times, knock on the wall twice and ensure the door is locked.

   He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good 'cause...Santa works for the NSA.

   Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel,,, and misinterpret other peoples intent.

   *flips coin in Air* ... "heads I get out of bed, tails I don't"... *coin lands too far away*........... "well bed it is!"

   Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day... Give a man a poisonous fish and you'll feed him for the rest of his life

   *Buys Mega-Millions ticket, waits to be hit by a comet*

   Son why did you draw a dinosaur with a machine gun? First off, they can't shoot guns. And secondly, This rules,,, I'm calling the museum

   "Call it a sweatshirt.. Those?,, those are sweatpants.. That one is a sweater.. Gosh, it's hot in here." ... (The guy who named clothes)