Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?.. Me: Siri, why did this cop pull me over? .. *gets distracted driving ticket*

   I never finish anything.... I have a black belt in partial arts.

   What idiot called it "insomnia" and not "resisting a rest"?

   Women- God's version of a Rubik's cube.

   I just finished coloring Snooki's new book.

   Wow. Hard to believe in only a month my wife and daughters will be returning the gifts I bought them.

   English teachers on Facebook must feel the same hopelessness as dentists do when they're at Walmart.

   Me: "Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?"... Wife: "Well, what does it say on it?.Me: "Boston Bruins.".. Wife: "You're an idiot "..

   My best posts are like children... I have my favorites and nobody else seems to be interested in hearing about them.

   After over 350 years,,, The Vatican finally apologized to Galileo, so don't expect an apology for child abuse anytime before 2363.

   PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Please be careful and chew your food,,, More people choke on Thanksgiving than on any other day.. . * unless you're a Denver Bronco,, cause you already choked last Sunday night

   PRO TIP: For the Olympics,, If you plant a bunch of Doritos in the ground and water them every day with Red Bull, you can grow your very own Shaun White

   Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....

   Don’t start an argument with a girl because they all have 300,500,192 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 10:29PM on 22/05/2003

   It's always fun to run out of the bank after cashing a check, and yelling "Go, Go, Go!" as you jump into your car and speed off.

   My son just told me a joke. So here it is, tell me what you think. Why do midgets laugh when they run?? Cause the grass tickles their balls.

   I don't use hashtags, but if anybody wants one I still have an extra one I got from IKEA... You'll just need to assemble it.. // =

   16 yr old daughter: "Leave me alone dad"... Me: You don't want me hugging you?"... 16 year old daughter: (crying) "Hug Me, but leave me alone"..... *Woman training complete.

   What do people with spinning flashing inflatable Christmas lawn ornaments think is tacky?

   n't there an American Idol Contest somewhere you should be voting for?