Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I assumed a coworker was pregnant. She told me no, just six months fat... We laughed and laughed and then she stabbed me.

   Sure the early bird gets the worm, but what does that say about the worm? He got up early too... Well, the point is,,, Ummm.

   If a Prius hits a Vegan,,, do you even have to fill out a police report?

   My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.

   How have Tampax and Hershey's not released a combo pack yet?

   The winner of the Scripps National Spelling Bee is awarded an engraved trophy... The loser is given an ingraived plack.

   Top Gun was so unrealistic,,, Everyone knows Tom Cruise can't reach the clutch on a motorcycle.

   Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction,,, I hope there's no hard feelings

   They say you will eat approximately 23 spiders in your life,,, but really you can eat as many as you want.. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

   ALSO FACT: You eat 28 spiders in your lifetime... Always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

   I bet the tickle fights in jail are legendary.

   Long story short: Roses and violets are their appropriate colours,,,, thus I find you attractive.

   Bye, bye, Miss Canadian Pie,,,Drove my Ski-Doo, To the igloo.................................................. *This idea was stupid,, Sorry*

   America is shocked & disgusted when Bill Clinton admits he had sexual relations with Hilary.

   FYI: Frosty the Snowman is constantly screwing with the thermostat at parties

   And for whatever reason, no one told em how to get to Sesame Street

   We crush the caterpillars,,, then complain there are no butterflies.

   My posts offend you??... Well,, You're probably the same person that said cookie monster made your kid fat... Or Pluto wasn't a planet..

   Boys are so much easier to raise... Soda,chips,videos games.. And open the door once a week to make sure they're still breathing and your good

   If life gives you melons... get a good sports bra.