Snotty Funny Status Messages

   If it weren't for marriage,,, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.

   Dear Mom & Dad,,,Summer Camp looks a lot like a WalMart parking lot.. Also,, Is it usually six months long?... Love Billy

   Home Depot should sell replacement drywall in pre-cut pieces about as big as a fist,, and ironically call them "drunk angry dad size.".. *I'm sad now*

   If you didn't go to my sporting events growing up,,,,,, you're dad to me.

   Pro Tip ~~ Do not make popcorn in laundromat dryers.. It really affects the flavor.

   It's like my father used to say "Go get that rock over there... I promise I won't drive away this time."

   Today, I found a potato chip that looked exactly like Jesus.. Then I remembered nobody knows what Jesus actually looked like... So I ate it.

   I Just watched guy put a wheel barrow in his shopping cart at the Home Depot.... *I'm just going to let that sit here and sink in.*

   Wiki leaks: kraby patty secret formula

   *Buys a 3D printer... *With the 3D printer, prints a 3D printer... *Returns the origional 3D printer

   NEWS FLASH: The mother who injected her 8 year old daughter with Botox looses custody... *The child didn't look surprised.

   He was so creepy, his van had a basement.

   You should think about donating blood,,,,, All of it

   I hope the next Rambo movie is called 'Rambo No. 5' and its just Stallone dancing through the jungle shooting a little bit of this and that.

   Lately, I have really begun to appreciate the versatility of the word "asshat".

   ME TEXTING: Be there in 5 minutes... If I'm not there in 5 minutes, read this text again

   if I was a conductor of an orchestra, I would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of "ice, ice, baby."

   Dear Santa... In reguards to my wish list last year, I wrote to you asking, "sex, for a change" Not "for a sex change"... Please fix this

   She wore a raspberry beret, but NOT the kind you find in a secondhand store,, (cuz those will give you head lice.)

   Yeah,, I could just roll in this bar and announce that I'm Thor's brother,, but I'm just gonna keep it Loki tonight.