Snotty Funny Status Messages

   The GOP is like your wise old Grandad who stands up, voices pearls of wisdom and genius, and then pees his pants.

   BREAKING NEWS: North Korea shoots sky...... Misses.

   Get this: My 2 year old & 8 month old decided not to take advantage of the extra hour of sleep yesterday morning.

   Today's Horoscope: You're gullible.

   Repaired a vacuum the other day. It was easy,,, I just stuck a Tampa bay Bucs logo on it... Now it sucks just fine

   We met on Christian Mingle,, and our baby was born 6 months later

   Being a reasonable man,, I pointed to the door, suggesting the spider leave immediately and peacefully

   The human heart has four chambers : Rumpus room, Tradesmans Entrance, Wine Cellar and Guest Bedroom

   To make sure everyone cries at my funeral, I'm requesting they play nothing but Creed and Nickleback through factory car speakers.

   Dance like nobody's watching. Sing like nobody's listening. Post like your life is marginally more interesting than it is in actuality.

   Dear Turkeys,,, Your long range weather forecast is 350 degrees on Thursday the 28th.

   Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.

   Setting my coffee maker to 'stun'

   I'm inventing a sandwhich made from: 5 hour energy drink, Cialis, some cheese, salami, bacon, & lettuce... I'm calling it the "5 Hour Footlong."

   This post will be seen by tens of people, and liked literally ones of times.

   Amazon: If you spend $17 more dollars, we'll knock off the $3 shipping fee.. Me: You've got yourself a deal, Amazon.... Every- Single- Time.

   that a thesaurus in your pocket?,, Or are you just ebullient to see me?

   Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.... *If I ever forget my passport, this post doubles as proof of U.S. citizenship.*

   911 What's your emergency?.. "I JUST FARTED ON A FIRST DATE"... Sir, we don't... "BUT IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION"

   ZOMBIE FART JOKE: Pull off my finger.