Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Look, Twinkies, I'm with Little Debbie Cloud Cakes now,,, and I won't let you hurt me again.

   Criminal Tip: Buy a gun from a guy off the streets. As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back........Free gun.

   If I was a rat,,, I wouldn't give anyone my ass.

   Facebook: "Do you want to tag Jennifer in this Picture?" Me: Hmmmm. does it make her look fat? Then yes, yes I do.

   Things that don't kill bees: 1: furnutire polish 2: Febreeze 3: butter 4: screeming

   Hmm,,, Voyager1 is 8.2 billion Miles from Earth & continues to send readings back to us.. and I can't get cellphone reception in my livingroom?

   If you say the word "gullible" over and over really fast,, it sounds like your actually saying 'oranges'

   Thought I had a political tweet but it ended up being gas

   TV show idea! We just air a live feed of old people using a smart phone for the first time.. We can call it "Where are the buttons?"

   BTW: Is someone writing these down?... (my grandmother, after reading my status updates)

   I'm glad cheese doesn't know what's about to happen to it when I show up.

   A boy was being mean to my 6 year old daughter yesterday, so she punched him in the eye... Was ice cream the correct punishment?

   I never know how much Cream of Wheat to make for the trick or treaters.

   Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?... Me: Pfft,,, I could think of like fifty reasons,, I’m not falling for that.

   *buys Sushi for Dummies*.. *preheats oven*.. *reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*.. *turns off oven*

   Welcome to taco bell may I take your order? "... I'd like 2 tancos, a enchilanto, a brampino, a grondalito, and a small spripe,,, thanks"

   [white house staff meeting] Obama: Any questions?.. *Biden raises hand* Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe... *Biden returns to coloring book*

   BREAKING NEWS: Scientists sneak up on Periodic Table, add element of Surprise"

   The one where Scooby doo dies in the van because Fred forgot to crack a window.

   I'm hungry,, but the only thing in my fridge is Zuul.