Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I just heard that my ex-wife has started dating again,,, and here I am with no popcorn.

   Mac & Cheese doesn't contain many vitamins, so it's important you always eat a bunch of it.

   How soon after eating lunch is it ok to eat lunch again?

   Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, "I don't know. I don't speak Chinese."... Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

   Thank you for the $50 gift card to Whole Foods. I will cherish this organic apple.

   Please don't leave the light on for me, Motel 6.... I don't want anyone to see me here.

   You sir,,, Are a "lactose intolerant person with bee allergies".. In my, "Land of Milk & Honey"..

   I am unable to quit as I am currently too legit.

   I'm sorry Charlie Brown, but your mother is dead.... Turns out, she had a trombone lodged in her throat and eventually just suffocated to death

   Canada: "hey America, catch!"... *throws Justin Bieber at US*..."No give backs"... *Canada runs away giggling*

   The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.

   Roses are red, Violets are blue,,, This court finds you guilty, So I'm jailing you..... (poetic justice)

   Sea salt is healthier only because it gets stuck in the holes of the shaker and you can't actually put it on your food.

   Pharmacists should stuff every third prescription bottle with one of those snakes that pops out at you... cuz laughter is the best medicine.

   The difference between bison and buffalo is simple... The ones that have useless little wings are buffalo.

   Rejected Yankee Candle Scents: • Taco • Halibut with Lime • Garden Croc • Macy's credit card • Carbon credits

   The gotye concert was amazing. kept playing "Somebody That I Used To Know" over & over. Easy to go to the bathroom, concessions.. Would recommend

   My sense of humor has been described as,,, "please stop" and "you're ruining dinner"

   Kitchen Tip: Black currants resemble mouse turds but have a subtly different flavor... Substitute freely for turds in any recipe. *Martha Stuart Little*

   One day, as a little boy, I wrote to Santa Clause. "Please send me a little brother." Santa Clause wrote me back,,, "Ok, send me your mother."