Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Idea: We lure Godzilla to Washington D.C., and then claim the insurance money. (we could balance the budget and start over)

   So,, The cashier at this Trader Joe's forgot to say "I love these" to one of my items, and now I have to go to the end of line and start over.

   Someday, we'll all look back on this, laugh nervously and then quickly change the subject.

   I Hate when my wife asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line,, cause I really don't like being that guy holding two purses.

   Bringing the grandkids to Seaworld next week,, to swim with the sharks... It's Dolphins?.. Whatever...

   *Gets in hammock*...*hammock instantly goes into spin cycle*...*spins into cocoon*...*completes larva process*

   Wait!!! Just exactly how does a cheese grater make cheese greater?

   My super power is leaving a party without saying goodbye to anyone.

   I got one of those 13.1 bumper stickers cuz that's how many wings I can eat in five minutes.

   FYI: When each one of the Golden Girls died, the remaining ones gained their power,,, and now Betty White is an immortal highlander.

   How about A public washroom so nice,, that you don't have to flush the toilet with your foot.

   Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.

   My dad's TV volume is always set at "screw the neighbors".

   Dear Airlines,,, We never REALLY tirned our phones off anyhow...................Signed,, EVERYONE

   My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.

   Some of you people are great.... Others should be towed a safe distance and blown up as precaution.

   My real superpower is guessing the weight of your emotional baggage.... HINT: It's more than you think

   Eat a banana lengthwise if you don't want anyone to sit by you.

   How to make hard taco: 1. Buy soft taco from taco bell...2. Crush up Cialis ... 3. Sit in bath tub on dock over looking lake.. 4.wait for the right moment

   Lets just put nicotine in coffee and be done with it.