Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   This bottle of Jack Daniels and I are gonna need a do not disturb sign and a safe word tonight.

   The whole idea of a drug free workplace is funny, isn't it? I mean the workplace is why I need drugs in the first place.

   People who say marriage is only between a man and a woman underestimate my love for pizza.

   I’m a social vegan. I avoid meet.

   I'm not so much offended by what Megyn Kelly says, but I'm offended that someone so dumb and foolish has her own TV show.

   Soul mate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

   The more selfies she has, the more times you'll have to tell her she's pretty everyday.

   How to tell if a girls mad at you: 1. Shes telling you she's not mad at you.

   It's sad how an animal like a dog shows more humanity than humans do.

   Don’t flatter yourself. I'm not attracted to you, this vodka I am drinking is.

   my brain has too many tabs open.

   Relationships? No, I prefer alcohol and pizza.

   When Kanye West blows out candles on a birthday cake he wishes it was his birthday, instead of whoever's party he's at.

   I smoke because I enjoy the smell of death.

   Love isn't real until one of you is on meds.

   A taser, but for when people try to talk about their feelings.

   Nothing says "I would rather be with someone else" quite like cheating.

   If it wasn't for me, my life would be pretty awesome.

   I call the other side of my bed the Passenger side. It only makes sense.

   Dear Liver: The holidays are almost over. Come on you can do this!