Snotty Funny Status Messages

   My father is at that age where he will have a full on conversation with a telemarketer.

   Rainy day entertainment idea: Take the kids to Cabela's,, or as I call it, "The Really Still Zoo."

   Just gave myself an enema filled with warm water and glitter, and I ended up craping out a Ke$ha cd.

   I wonder what "don't touch" is in Braille.

   Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

   According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.

   Listen,,, any sport is dodgeball if you aren't very good.

   Huh,,, It's pretty cool how willy wonka got away with murdering all those bratty kids that went on a tour of his candy factory... Hmmm

   When I was a kid,,, we had to post updates through two cups and a string.

   The work day would be so much more fun if it were Casualty Friday

   Can you even imagine how long the Carfax report is on the Batmobile

   A country song,,, but for how bad country music is.

   PRO TIP: You can put a baseball card between the spokes on a Prius, and make it sound like a real car

   if you're fighting another pirate ship & your cannonball lands directly in their cannon everyone has to switch eyepatches to their other eye

   I accidentally knocked over a few dinners onto the floor at Whole Foods and I now owe them over $212,080,999 dollars

   If Sesame Street really cared about children,,, they'd realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

   I brought a t-shirt cannon to a knife fight. Everyone dropped their knives to catch their own piece of lynyrd skynyrd history.

   I'm convinced that the employees of Ikea were just used to be customers who didn't know how to get out and just gave up.

   I judge how my week is going by how many times I've had to sit down in my shower.

   I just got kicked out of a Whole Foods for wearing deodorant.