Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn't come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn't a gift

   My boss is asking me to turn my reports in on time..... *like I DON'T write crappy jokes online for no pay lol*

   So do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

   If I go into a restaurant with two other people I like to say my last name is Stooge, just to hear the hostess call out "Stooge, party of 3"

   A recent scientific study, has revealed a bunch of crap I don't understand.

   Pro driving tip: Look in your rear view mirror. If there's a long line of traffic behind you but no one in front of you, you're an ass.

   I like my sushi cooked medium rare,,,, and made from a cow.

   All the clowns hated the one female clown because it took forever to get everyone in and out of the car every 30 minutes for her to pee.

   This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,,, but I’d never met herbivore.... *gets pulled off the stage by a giant cane*

   Name brands really are better... For instance, I just found out that a "Tide pen" will work much better on a stain, then a regular pen.

   *whispers to the Internet*............. "Look what you did."

   BTW: Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

   FYI: You find out if the NSA is listening to your call by singing SWEET CAROLINE and if more than one voice responds with bum bum bum THEN YOU KNOW

   Stared off into space after lunch and accidentally graduated from University of Phoenix with another degree : (

   Just ate an entire 180 day supply of gummy vitamins sitting in traffic and now I'm bullet and fireproof. Probably.

   I think I'm the only person in this Family Dollar without a neck tattoo....... Wait, a 7yo just walked by,, Yep, still the only one.

   what cultureless buffoon called him Subway Sandwich Artist of the Month and not "Leonardo Six Inchi".

   “It’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”... Umm,,, wait, you’re not my doctor... *a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*

   Sex Ed teacher: Class today we will start on the birds and the bees. Today is bees. *opens hive, unleashing an angry swarm of bees*... Locks us in

   I'll take opposites for 400 Alex... "the opposite of downcat"... What is updog?.."Not much what's up with you"... * Alex quits,, they shutdown show forever*