Snotty Funny Status Messages

   "Mommy, since I can't have that NIH clinical trial to cure my cancer, as a dying wish, can we go see the Grand Canyon?"

   The Dallas Cowboys say they're not intimidated by Peyton Manning... They also said they are not really sure what "intimidated" means.

   Well son,,, They called it a bra because booby trap was already taken

   Just found out I got another A in my daughter's science class.

   Driving isn't even in the top 5 things I'm thinking about when I'm driving.

   What's the cheapest kind of meat?... Deer Balls, They're under a Buck!... *Drops mic.,, Cries behind stage*

   I need to start dressing for the job I want, not the job I have........... *puts on Jedi outfit and waits patiently*

   Woah there treadmill,,, I can't scroll posts, or reach the Burrito in the cupholder next to the ashtray at that speed.

   Forget Morgan Freeman, I'd pay a king's ransom for an app. that would have Christopher Walken's voice read posts.

   Day 4 of shut-down: As long as nobody lists the U.S. on eBay and let Canada or North korea buy us..... We should be fine.

   Everytime this post is liked,, a Member of Congress gets kicked in the genitals.

   *Doctor enters room*.."I'm going to be blunt with you".. *whips out a huge joint*.."Let's light-up".. Nice.."BTW, you've got epilepsy".. Nice

   Fact: The 2013 Boston Red Sox have more beard weight than any team in Major League Baseball history.

   I'm just going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

   FYI,,, Society has put an excessive amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.

   FYI: It's illegal to shine a laser pointer at a plane because a cat might attack the plane

   You know that sinking feeling,,, when you realize that you should have taken those swimming lessons.

   I'm "it's 8:30 and you wanna start a movie this late?" years old.

   Awwe, he's sleeping like a baby......... *People who've never had a baby*

   We're shutdown, but not 'stop collecting taxes' shutdown.........- the government