Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I'm "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start" years old.

   Son came home from school and asked what "ostracized" meant.. Of course I told him its a unit of measurement for birds.... *now I've got another parent/teacher conference next monday*

   Everyone likes to talk crap about the Salem Witch Trials,,, but have you noticed, We haven't had a witch attack in like 300 years?

   My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I've only got 40 lbs to go.

   I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.

   Sean Connery's dog must get so confused when he yells for it to sit...

   A sitcom after all the years away from television proves again that Michael J Fox is one of the true movers and shakers of entertainment.

   And on the 8th day god created female hormones. Then the female destroyed that day.

   You can't buy a woman's love, but you can buy a human heart... Seriously, go look on Craigslist.

   DOC: I'm sorry, but you only have 2 weeks to live... *I slip the Doc a 5 dollar bill*... DOC: Ooooh make that 3 weeks buddy... *I wink at my loved ones*

   Honey I shrunk the kids' college savings,,, and bet on a pure bred horse

   Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.

   On a dark desert highway,,, cool whip in my hair...

   Don't grow up... It's a trap, It's a trap. (read in Admiral Ackbar voice)

   If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.

   I call "dibs" again this year for "Tanning Mom" as a Halloween costume.

   If you have a recycling bin full of cans with holes from a 22. Then sure, we can be friends

   Dog owner tip: Never entrust your dog to watch your food for you.

   Turned off "Facebook Notifications".... My battery whispered,,, "thank you"

   CNN poll: 17% of Americans view North Korea favorably... CBS poll: 9% of Americans approve of Congress.... Hmm