Snotty Funny Status Messages

   If this picture of me running a red light is going to cost me $350, they coulda added a dragon and put it in a pirate ship frame.

   Hello, I am Inigo Montoya,,, I am your waiter,,, here's your menu,,, prepare to dine.

   *at my 8th grade spelling bee*.. "spell ABANDON".... ABANDON,, D-A-D,,, *judge starts sobbing into mic then slams the bell*

   At Olive Garden, request a table for one, last name Birthday. When your tables ready they say "Birthday party for 1".... Then just cry.

   Willy Wonka is put on death row. Requests Everlasting Gobstopper as final meal.....LOL, Lives forever.

   Burned a clock today... Actually ended up inhaling a lot of "secondhand" smoke.

   How did the tooth cross the river? It took the "tooth ferry"......... Thanks, I'll be here all week

   *whispers* ...and here we have a teen loading a washer with clothes--unprovoked... A rare sight, seldom witnessed outside captivity.

   "Smells like...spring cleaning & fresh flowers"... *takes off blindfold*..."Nope, dead grandma!"..... - worst Febreze commercial ever

   “I followed Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”................ First hipster

   Uhm, excuse me waiter... I'd like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.

   I just found out that his full name is actually,, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.

   I'll never forget when Dad tried to teach me to swim by pushing me off the boat. And when he taught me to drive by pushing me out the car.

   I want a closed-casket funeral when I die. And in case anyone opens it, I want one of those boxing gloves on a spring to shoot out.

   It was said that Fast Luke had the quickest hand in the West. Too bad everyone else used guns. Luke's final words reportedly were "pew, pew"

   Overview of my résumé: 1. Quick eater 2. Extensive knowledge of Parkour 3. Argumentative 4: Fired from McDonalds 5: Am I a multi tasker, (I can sneeze and pee at the same) 6: leading my Fantasy Football league..

   Some days I can't get my earbuds in far enough.

   You can take my advice, I’m not going to use it.

   I accidentally kicked my cat off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now he's in the corner sadly humming a Sarah McLachlan song.

   Wife wanted to see my posts... We laughed and laughed... I made a run for it, and I got 2 blocks... Running is hard.