Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I know you're not supposed to wear white after labor day, but they're my legs,, and I don't know how to leave them at home.

   Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I... shhhh shut up. You shut up.

   It's almost 24 years later and so far the magic still hasn't gone out of my divorce

   God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later... Amen

   A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.

   Yes, you can lead a horse to water but you can also bring the water to him. Maybe do something nice for someone else for once in your life... geesh

   If it smells like a salad and it tastes like a salad, there's still a good chance it's an organic vegan chocolate chip cookie

   "So You Thought You Could Watch This Show About Dancing"

   Just got passed by a Prius, and I DIDN'T exclaim "Oh hell no" then gun it............... I don't know what's happening to me

   Vet suggested cayenne pepper to get the dog to stop eating her poop....Sounds good...nothing says dignified like seasoning your dog's poops.

   I always buy the biggest size pants on the rack because they cost the same as the smallest size. More pants for your money, I always say.

   Wives,,, If your man says he will fix it,,, he will... There's no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

   Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.

   It's called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

   There's nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it's only lettuce :(

   Does this 'I Beat Anorexia' T-Shirt make me look fat?

   The chefs are going to roux the day they told me I couldn't make a white sauce

   Cartwheels?...... In this economy?

   Knock knock.... Who's there?.... Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"