Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I hate it when my sock puppets fight... Cuz I don't have a free hand to break them up.

   Well,,,, If you count watching Elmer Fudd singing "Kill The Wabbit," Then yes, I've been to the opera.

   Attention: Person who used this porta potty before me, See your doctor soon.. Real soon.. Yesterday soon.... PLEASE

   LISTEN,,, Every pizza can be a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.

   If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then of course,, you're a witch.

   My cat eats ONLY top-quality organic treats... And licks its own butthole.

   I've got the body of a 21 year old,, but I have to give it back cuz I'm getting it wrinkled

   Never get your panties in a bunch... The good quality ones are sold individually.

   The sky is the limit unless you understand science.

   So I'm at antiques roadshow getting competitive and sweaty, letting everyone in line cut in front of me so my stuff will be older when I get to the front.

   It's 2013 and I'm pretty disappointed that scientists have yet to introduce bbq or cool ranch alternatives to our plain salt-flavored tears

   Ask your doctor if making three lefts is right for you.

   *Maury opens envelope*......................"Necessity IS the mother of Invention!"....... *Necessity jumps up and throws chair across stage*

   Dear God, when I said I wanted a salary with six zeros in it,,, I didn't mean only zeros.

   Mom: You want some trail mix?........... Me: You mean M&Ms with obstacles?

   According to this BMI chart,,, I'm too short.

   I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

   Want to feel old? The players in this year's Puppy Bowl haven't even been born yet.

   People go on and on about the length of Subway's sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?

   You lose your wallet on the bus,,,, later, you see the same bus wearing a new pair of sunglasses, and a gold watch