Snotty Funny Status Messages

   If you're stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

   I bet if you look up "dictionary" in the dictionary,, it just says "this."

   FYI: The holidays are coming. If you do NOT want snakes please send me a notarized letter asking for NO SNAKES. Otherwise you are getting snakes.

   Hey,, just drank so much Gatorade, I could literally kick a basketball right now, or however sports work or whatever

   Remember when mambo 5 came out with the retina display? It made the mambo 4S look like CRAP........... good times

   How do I jailbreak my e-cig?

   Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so..... Now help me load this drum kit.

   Wondering what it's like to have a kid? Take a goat to the store. That's like having a 5 yr old. Now get the goat drunk. That's a 2 yr old.

   Sorry I spilled your bottle of wine,,, all down my throat.

   The irony is,, Girl dogs do not even talk about their girl friends behind their backs...

   A TV chef just explained, "it's the heat that starts the cooking process"... Hmmm,, Let me just write that down

   The University of Phoenix's mascot,, is just a guy struggling to open a can of tuna.

   I really hope my fantasy football teams do well this year.... I need a resume booster.

   I'm pretty sure twerking is mentioned somewhere in the book of Revelations

   We're here today to witness the union of two special people. The lasers we use to fuse them together are very powerful,,,, so goggles on please

   firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

   "Sorry... Sorry... Sorry... Sorry... Pardon... Sorry..." Canadian bumper cars...

   I have a confession: All of my posts are stolen word-for-word from the repair manual for the 1974 Oldsmobile Cutlass...

   Wake me up when everything isn't pumpkin flavored.

   Lord, it's me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?