Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I already told you. I don't know any sign language... Geesh, Are you deaf?

   They pull a trumpet, you pull an oboe. He sends one of yours to the mezzanine, you send one of his to the loge. That's the philharmonic way.

   "I make six figures just about every year"-..................... In my unsuccessful mannequin business

   A good magician never reveals what he does for a living.

   BREAKING NEWS: Over 30 people feared soothed in Yankee Candle fire.

   I don't need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure

   So I'm at the farmer’s market,,, carefully picking out produce to throw away next week.

   Well technically,,, Every burger a bulimic girl eats is an In-N-Out burger.

   I would say at least 3% of my life has been spent talking to dogs that are in other people's cars.

   Since Jesus's birthday and Christmas are on the same day this year I'm only giving him one present.

   If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you're going to jail.

   Like most parents, my wife and I love to proudly watch our beautiful little daughter whilst she sleeps... It does seem to freak out our son-in-law though

   This IKEA joke may be cheap,,, but it still took me hours to figure out how to set up.

   Remember how your teachers would drink in the staff lounge, only it was just one teacher, and she drank all day, and you were homeschooled?

   So the cop was like 'say the alphabet backwards',, So I said 'the alphabet backwards',, Then we laughed and laughed............ Send bail money

   My tupperware order has shipped,, and in 2-3 business days I finally won't have to contain my excitement.............WAIT !,, Or will I?

   Does the 5 Second Rule apply to bass drops?

   There's no way that scientists can prove to me that pterodactyls didn't pronounce the p

   Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.

   Yes Grandma, I'm almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq