Snotty Funny Status Messages

   "You're the Garbage Man, eh? What's your super power?". "Umm, I'm just here to take out the trash."."Whoa there slappy, we'll get to your catch phrase later."

   You think you're superior to us? We're all just a whim away from singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." Yes, a whim away...a whim away...a whim away.

   FUN FACT: The Middle of a donut is actually fat free.

   In the mind of my Hound dog: "He's on the floor, trying to get my ball from under the couch... I will assist by licking his eyeball !"

   The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there's tons of those things. Relax, there will always be worms.

   Eating Taco Bell for the 5th night in a row... BTW, your colon grows back right?

   How much for the horse tornado?..... Sir, That's a carousel..... Hmmm, I must have it.

   The day my kids will lose their innocence is when they figure out there is no such thing as a 3 piece chicken nugget happy meal

   HELPFUL HINT: Table saws work on other stuff too, not just tables,, for example,,, I have two couches now.

   Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you can then stick him with a crippling amount of fishing school loans

   Yes,,, The bathrooms by the pool are a nice touch but completely unnecessary.

   Today's random act of kindness: feeding pepperoni slices to our vegan neighbor's 3 year old, through the mail slot.

   I am.... 'My 1st car had an ashtray'... years old.

   Oh, I'm sorry...Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

   Dear teenage me, It's the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone.. No don't kill yourself, it's actually pretty fun

   Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.

   *An Icelandic cop knocks on a door* "Mrs Jónson? There's no easy way to say this..... Your husband fell into the volcano Eyjafjallajökull."

   "Doc, I feel grouchy and my head turns 360 degrees."... "Hmm,, Sounds like Irritable owl syndrome".. Doc prescribes a Tootsie pop...

   Pretending that your problems are not really there do not make you sane. You have to stick your fingers in your ears and hum also.

   This is the worst self help forum I have ever read.