Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I'm more of an Atrophy husband.

   Have you seen the clown that hides from g@y people in Wal-mart?

   Fox announces third season renewal of “So You Think You Can Repeal Obamacare.”

   So... Where does one obtain minions?

   I glued the TV remote to my wife. I'm expecting her to go missing any second now.

   Remember,,, your odds of winning Powerball are much lower than being hit by a car. Especially if I'm driving and see you in line for a ticket.

   The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth............... Steve Buscemi

   I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.

   Nintendo or Nintendon't,,,,, There is no nintendtry

   "The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.

   Ever try to make a mental note but can't find anything to write it on?

   That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....'I've got nothing man.'

   FYI:There are only two ingredients in trail mix. . . M&M's,,, and disappointment

   I think the only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of girls,,, and having ALL of them like it.

   There's nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.

   I just found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock,,,, people expect less of you.

   A guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane todday... Years of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

   I buy all my guns from a dude named T-Rex........... Yeah He's a,,, small arms dealer

   I wanted a cigar but they were too expensive. I rolled some tobacco in a piece of brown construction paper........ It was close, but no cigar.

   Welcome to Vegas,,,,,, Where what you don't know about your bedspread won't hurt you..