Snotty Funny Status Messages

   They'll get it later, I tell myself after posets go unliked.... They'll all laugh later.

   I never flush a toilet when the power's out cuz I don't know how stuff works.

   I just got a new weed whacker today, And you could say,,,,,, (removes sunglasses) It's got, "Cutting hedge technology."

   Dogs: can be trained to detect bombs... Cats: can be trained to poop in a box...... nough said

   Body of a man discovered in blue, curbside recycling bin in South Boston.... Police say body should've been placed in green, curbside bin.

   Aaron Hernandez, O.J. Simpson and Ray Lewis walk into a bar... Four dead, 11 injured.

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, air pressure will suck your spine out of your butt, because you forgot to wear a spacesuit....... Idiot.

   Hello Acme? Me again, I'm gonna need a rocket and some roller skates.. Yeah & a sign with the word yikes on it... No I still haven't caught him

   Late every Sunday night, all other the stores in the mall go and tell Radio Shack not to worry about what other people think, they still love him

   Ariel is a lot less attractive once you realize she swims around in her own poop water.

   Two red blood cells met and fell in love. But alas,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, it was in vein.

   The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked..... Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

   Please take everything I tweet seriously because I never use sarcasm and thoroughly enjoy explaining things to strangers on the Internet

   Facebook is a great way to connect with boring people who are bad at the internet.

   I'll bet I can do less push ups than you.

   I'd like to invite you to stop inviting me to like your page on facebook.

   "Zyzzyva, Zyxst, Zyxt..." - Noah Webster's last words

   Listen,,, "You’re a ghost driving a meat coated skeleton made from stardust, what do you have to be scared of?"

   I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

   Word Problem: If Scott has 2 bananas for lunch and a dollar seventy nine in change, how likely is it he'll go get an order of onion rings?