Snotty Funny Status Messages

   It probably won't work out between us if you won't even play dead after I stab you with my Wolverine breadstick claws at Olive Garden.

   2 yr. daughter runs by screaming,,,,, 50 ducks chasing her,,,,, "YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF THE BREAD!!."

   My old fish didn't move around in her bowl all day. I hought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

   Has anybody told Squirrels about crosswalks?

   My pet rock pees on the floor.... Bad boy!! (Then I spank his butt)... Then mom lectures me for 2 hrs. about hitting rock bottom.

   It's a good thing that not everyone has a smartphone... Someone has to honk when the light turns green.

   It's SO weird to think that before we invented cars,, if you hated someone, you had to key their horse.

   WANTED: Guitarist for air band. Must have own instrument.

   I'm going to take you to the cleaners... After that, the bank & grocery store. Then possibly Arby's? It's totally up to you

   Yeah,, yeah... I'm just putting our meeting in my calendar...... ( shakes etch-a-sketch )

   Pretty sure I look forward to my boss' vacation's more than he does.

   HR: Let's talk about why you were late today... Me: I told you!.. HR: DRAGONS AREN'T "RELIABLE TRANSPORTATION!".. Me: Duh,,That's why I was late

   I accidentally posted a rhetorical question on Facebook,,, Now I'm banging my head against the wall,, but on the bright side, I have a growing list of people to hide my posts from

   If I were a bee, I'd give you all my honey. Then I'd be in big trouble with the queen. I'd get excommunicated from the hive..... Thanks a lot.

   Eating soup in the shower isn't saving me as much time as I thought.

   I Just saw Detroit at the Coinstar machine...

   I've decided not to get married until somebody asks

   So,, If you're blind and on the toilet, do you wipe until you count to 20,, or how does that work?

   I'm actually really good at computers if you ask my grandma

   What if gravity was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always crap on the floor to clean up...... Wait!,, Just hear me out bro.