Snotty Funny Status Messages

   If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.

   Why did they even build a highway to the danger zone

   My three favorite shows about murderers are NCIS, CSI, and SportsCenter.

   Officer, I resent your accusatory tone & choice of words... FYI: She is my ‘trunk guest’,,, I served her ‘refreshments’,,, and she is ‘in repose’

   Thanks for the suggestion, serving size... I've had a good laugh,, and will now make you feel stupid for being so wrong.

   If you only see one movie this summer, I suggest seeing more. Movies are great.

   Sometimes I like to go to Applebee's,,, and give them money not to bring me any food.

   My Daughter asked if I wanted to have a tea party, so I yelled at her & her dolls for 2 hours about how I don't want to pay taxes anymore.

   If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?......................... (you smart people grinned didn't you.)

   I also have an awesome recipe for jambalaya,,,,,,, It's actually one of my newest "soup-er powers"..... Drops mic,,,,,, apologizes profusely

   "Well, If I have a good lawyer",,, The answer to the question,,,, Can I bring a gun to a fist-fight?

   I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.

   When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

   Even though Her family owned a multimillion dollar cheese company.......... She was a dairy heir.

   I don't know much about fashion,, So can I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

   You can lead a horse to water and you can lead a horse into water and you can swim around with a horse and have fun

   Don't worry, you'll never be lazier than the guy who named the washer and dryer.

   George Washington was so ugly that someone said "maybe his monument should be a huge pole instead of his face" and everyone was like "yeah."

   I made a toasted cheese sandwich... I may have accidentally included the plastic cheese wrapper... I may be afraid to poop for a while

   Next thing we know, Detroit is going to be asking for an EBT card,,, then it's just a slippery slope to standing outside of Home Depot.