Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I'm late for work again! This time my dog ate my car.

   I put seat belts on my dining room chairs because mom's lasagna is THAT good and also I had the same 4th grade teacher for 2 years straight.

   writes apology to 90's hip hop for the words he never gave to his mother.

   IKEA now designs temporary houses for refugees which is weird because I thought they already did that.

   How many Oreos is too many?,,,,,,, Is it 25?,,,,,,,,,,, I feel like it should be more than 25

   "How do you think you would like it if the tables were turned?"...... ~interior decorators

   I come from a long line of impatient customers.

   I just ran over a mime.,,, Well, now he’s a mime.

   4yr old: when I grow up I want to be like daddy.... Wife: You can't do both honey

   Coworker: Scott, can I ask you a question?... Me: That's a great question, and the answer is no.. No you cannot.

   Give a man fish and you'll feed him for a day...... Give a fish a man and I'll bet you're in the Mafia.

   I was going to ask my neighbors if they would continue exploding things even though July 4th is over,,, and it's like they read my mind.

   People still shooting off fireworks better be careful that they don't hit any of the Christmas decorations they never took down.

   I do great farts when I pull myself up in the bathtub.......... Do your stuff, eHarmony

   For $100,,,, I'll come to your house and name all of your plants.

   Don’t believe in aliens, huh??,,,,,, Then explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

   Would it be bad to eat a bowl of my son's Flintstone vitamins as a snack?,,,, Hahaha, I’m just kidding; I have no idea whose son this is.

   I wish I had Caesar Milan to correct me whenever I drive up to KFC

   Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad?,,,,, Good times........ Good times

   The guy who invented the game "Twister" died this week.... Fitting him into his coffin took almost 30 spins. ( they put the left foot in...)