Snotty Funny Status Messages

   "Its not you,, Its me."--- Twins going through a photo album

   Taco Bell doesn't have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might crap your pants

   I'm old enough to remember when there was only 1 fat kid in the class photo.

   Every neck tattoo should just say, 'I owe back child support.'

   I put apple juice in a spray bottle to use on some ribs. I sprayed it in my mouth.... Cups are now ridiculous to me.

   Remember,,,, there is no I in denial

   FYI: Captain Hook ran his entire pirating operation singlehandedly.

   My mom talks into her cell phone like she just hit the cap lock key on her voice

   Hey, young parents,,, When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

   Men are from Mars,, Women are from Venus,, Then gays are definely from ???

   Breaking News: George Lucas marries longtime girlfriend... Finds out later she is his sister.

   Aaron Hernandez,, I have some legal advice for you,,, Never trust a lawyer who wears pigtails, sucks on a lollipop and blows you kisses when you ask him a complex legal question.

   "What I want is to do is combine the laziness of cooking at home with the high price of eating out!" - The inventor of the Wedge Salad

   If you're worried about peeing on your necktie, then the answer is yes,,, you've tied it wrong.

   A group of lions is called a pride. A group of turtles is called a bale. A group of my family members is called an embarrassment

   When I turned 40,,, the fast Super Mario music started playing.

   It's almost July 4th, the day we fought back against the aliens.

   Dear naps, I'm sorry I was a jerk to you in kindergarten

   If a bear attacks you, play dead........ Ok good, you're about to feel like this forever

   If you love a cat, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours to keep.... If it doesn't, you drove far enough.