Snotty Funny Status Messages

   If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore... That's how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

   I remember when "the RAM in your computer" referred to literal rams, with horns, who turned the giant wheel that powered our electronics.

   ARE YOU LOSING MONEY EVERY TIME YOU BATHE? If you're taking cash into the shower, the answer may surprise you.... Stay tuned.

   If you have never said "Luke, I am your father" into an empty pringles can, then you probably should get on that

   Portland's waste water treatment facility has the best motto..... "Our duty is clear"

   Listen, I don't make the rules,,, Where I come from, when you lick something and yell MINE,, it's yours.....So, ya know, get in my van please.

   Nice try fat families with stick figure people on the back of their van

   Dudes,,, If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say,,,, talk in your sleep

   I pulled my wife's hair this morning. First, from the shower drain and then from my toothbrush.. Really wasn't all that hot, honestly.

   Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an idiot,,,,,, This needs to be a bumper sticker.

   I'm playing Nickelback at your funeral to make sure you're really dead and not faking it

   Remember that weird kid who ate boogers in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! ,,Just kidding, He died......... (come on,,he ate boogers)

   No one has higher hopes than a newly divorced man in his 40's selecting his first bottle of Axe body spray

   If a 99 pound person eats 1 pound of nachos,,, that person is 1% nacho

   My morning bowel movement would be a lot more relaxing if it happened at home or at work instead of during my commute

   My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his better half. I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife to him as the lesser of two evils.

   FUN SCIENCE FACT: When an Australian reads a really stupid post,,,, They roll their eyes counterclockwise

   Old McDonald had a farm. He also had a redheaded goth son named Ronald who did acid,, and flipped hamburgers,, and talked to purple blobby things.

   I'm just surprised Superman didn't step in to prevent them from rebooting the Superman franchise again.

   I bought a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage but I can double park anywhere.