Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Michael J. Fox has friended and unfriended me 45 times in the last 30 seconds.

   5 out of 6 people really enjoy Russian roulette.

   Some people don't know anything about women. And those people are men.

   I guess eBay brings out my competitive side........Anyway, this $1,800 can of peas better be good.

   A friend that steals your tortilla chips is, Nacho friend.

   My 6yo thinks it's bullcrap that grown-ups don't get a summer break.

   My phone just changed, 'calendar' to 'cake radar' and now I really wish I had that.

   Dang,,, I really respect an effective slow clap

   Let's turn this Pizza Hut into a pizza home.

   "I love speaking for others" --- ventriloquists

   Before Faceb00k I hated waiting rooms. Now I'm like, sit in one spot for an hour? Yes, please

   I'd rather live each day as if it's my 2nd to last day. My last day will probably involve a lot of blood and I'm a little bit squeamish.

   I get my kicks below the waistline, sunshine,,, because that's where my legs are, and I'm pretty sure you need those for kicking.

   Peeing in the bath to rewarm it for her is not as romantic as you may think.

   Looked up "Google" in an encyclopedia and all it said was,,, "Ah, crap."

   Beware the OCD Mafia - They're into REALLY organized crime

   Obviously this cat thinks I won't punch a cat

   Pro tip: On Canadian Wheel of Fortune,,, ALWAYS buy the letter 'eh'.

   Joined a gym once. 12 bystanders were injured. So much blood. 2 people renounced their faith. At night I still hear the treadmill screaming

   Hey, NSA,,,, if you're going to read my posts, would it kill you to like them?