Snotty Funny Status Messages

   A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS.... Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive.

   I believe success,, is making it in and out of a public restroom without touching anything.

   I actually Luke autocorrect

   If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.

   Kept making the same mistakes in life, so I call them traditions now.

   Hey Canada,,, This is getting kinda boring, how about you let US be on top for a change?

   I love riding my red Mustang into work,,, but I am tired of people complaining about horse crap in the parking lot.

   If the Starbucks is less than a block away, it's an extension of your house and you can go in your pajamas.. That's the law

   Just want to thank all the people who reviewed "Star Wars" on Netflix. You guys swayed me, I'll check it out

   Art Gunfunkel is short for Arthur Garfunkel, and Paul Simon is short for a man.

   I love you all and I am so glad I found you. (me talking to a bag of peanut M & M's I forgot I had

   PRO TIP: You can cure most cat allergies,, by putting just a little antifreeze in their water.

   Just when I thought I couldn't hate squirrels any more,,, one just ran past me wearing socks w/ sandals.

   It wasn’t until I tasted the chewy monkey bits through the chocolate & peanut butter,, that I realized I accidentally bought Rhesus Pieces.

   When I start to feel confident,, I remember how I've played entire games of Mario Kart watching the wrong screen..

   I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.

   No, you idiot! I said 'avert' your eyes, not 'invert' them. Wow, that's disgusting!

   If you don't have a watch,, The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.

   My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number..... Big shout out to the ex,, for pissing in my gene pool.

   Me: Do you want some more toast?... 6yr old: Yes... ME: Yes what?... 6yr old: ???... Me: What’s the magic word?... 6yr old: Abracadabra?