Snotty Funny Status Messages

   When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It's done, but there's blood everywhere!"

   Last night I lied in bed, looking at the stars & thought..... Where in the heck did my ceiling go..

   I've written "sorry about your cat" on WAY too many personal checks.

   It’s funny how watching your kids get older is both the best and the worst thing ever

   According to my current parking spot I'm a physician

   Honey Boo Boo owns a Cadillac Escalade?,,, I really don't feel like I should have to pay my student loans back.

   Canadian civics lesson: The Prime Minister,, is a minister who cannot be divided by any other ministers except for himself and one minister.

   Please pray that Jamie Lee Curtis finally eats enough goddamn yogurt that she poops

   ur honor, I call GOD as my witness... *jury gasps*... *nothing happens*...*slowly, a man with a beard rises from the stands*... Dammit No Gary,,, sit down

   From time to time, I like to remind my daughter's boyfriend of the very real danger of falling I'll from a sudden, gunshot related illness.

   My dad's ability to drive with one hand while reaching back and smacking the right child, somehow always impressed me... Happy father's day dad!

   Make sure you have at least one friend who invents words. It could be me, or it could be another wordventor,,, It doesn't matter.

   Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a sub, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm,,, plus I am inside a lion.

   I just opened the dryer door & a quarter fell out and rolled underneath it, so I guess I just opened myself a savings account.

   Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news, his ring is missing.

   hmmm this cereal is bland, tasteless, boring, flat, flavorless...*reads box* oh,,, this is Synonym Toast Crunch

   Misplaced my smart car. Thought I left it on the counter... And yes, I checked in the couch cushions already

   I always take a number at the deli, and I've been keeping them.... Eventually I'll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn

   People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Noah was the size of a cat

   I'm sick of having 50 states so I combined some: Michconsin,