Snotty Funny Status Messages

   A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along

   it’s 2013, why does google maps not have a Parkour option? pretty sure I could get to that Burger King in 90 seconds with Parkour moves

   Relationships are all about finding someone that notices all of your faults and reminds you about them daily.

   I thought I suffered from low self-esteem. Turns out, I suffer from accurate self-esteem.

   I just farted real loud, and my car alarm went off.... Some guy is stealing my car but I wanted you guys to know about my fart.. Be right back.

   My legs are so white, they just applied for a job at whole foods

   I'm "Relieved my plans got canceled last minute so I can go to bed early.",,,,,,,, years old.

   My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...

   What makes you think I put my pants on one leg at a time?

   The key to being a great parent is finding what your child loves the most.... And then using it against them.

   My kids are Half-British and Half-Southern......... I pray for their teeth everyday.

   Half way to my mom's place for Mother's Day,,, only have about 3 more feet of digging.

   If worse comes to worst you can always get her a glass of Mother’s Day water.

   Oh Yeah??,,, Nothing useful in Skymall, eh??.. Okay, (affixes mini umbrellas to shoes)... Enjoy your wet feet

   After 31 free samples,, I decided I wasn't really in the mood for Baskin Robins

   Turns out, I have a 4.6 billion year old sun... I am gonna see him tomorrow morning.. wow amazing

   I kinda just had kids to have somebody to watch cartoons with.

   WAIT, the kids in Weird Science made a perfect woman, but she was still able to talk?. Ahhhh,The innocence of youth.. (wife not looking,, hits send)

   ME: Mom, I finally found a job! MOM: Great!,, What is it? ME: Debt collections.. MOM:... ME:... MOM:... ME: So, I think you know why I'm calling

   I bet people in Turkey sleep good all the time.