Snotty Funny Status Messages

   *walks into Starbucks.*.... "I'll have a large?.."... *alarm sounds, cage drops, baristas sharpen pitchforks*

   Together,, I can beat schizophrenia

   I want my casket to have a crank on it that plays the jack-in-box music.

   Remember,,, It takes more muscles to frown at a donut than to eat it.

   After knocking all the mens hats off, Bill was escorted out of the safety meeting screaming "I can dance if I want to"........

   Sorry officer, Jesus took the wheel.... (leans in close).. You gonna arrest Jesus?

   Forget waterboarding... I'm ready to tell this damn popcorn kernel stuck in my tooth everything it wants to know

   How about we start being thankful everyday,,, then have a holiday once a year called Complainsgiving?... It could even be tied somehow to Festivus

   I will not rest until ALL food is dinosaur shaped.

   "DONE!" - Color blind person solving a Rubik's Cube

   Like everbody,, I have an angel on one shoulder, and a devil on the other... Also, I'm also deaf in one ear... (sigh)

   I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something....... I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 5 minutes

   If you are the older twin, call your little sibling 50 times a day and say “when I was your age” then describe what you did 6 minutes ago

   When asked if I'm a cat or dog person, I always reply. 'It depends,, what wine are you serving?'

   I just read the "100 things to do before you die" list.... I'm kinda surprised that "call 911" didn't make the cut.

   A Gary Busey can lose up to 30 000 teeth in its lifetime.

   Mmm-Kay,,, The recipe said "turn the oven to 180 degrees," so I did... But now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.

   The irony of my phone trying to autocorrect "nutrition" into "burrito" is not at all lost on me.

   I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to

   My 6 year old tried to karate chop a watermelon at the supermarket. Thanks Fruit Ninja