Snotty Funny Status Messages

   The rudeness, the incompetence, the "attitude." I'm never using the self checkout again.

   Studies show we aren't doing anything right.

   never gotten the amount of cheese grated on my pasta I want in a restaurant because I feel guilty when the waiter starts looking fatigued

   I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. I can't believe anyone would stoop so low

   I think I'm gonna go hit the sack,,,, and then maybe go to bed

   Sometimes I feel like babies only wanna hang out with you so they have someone to scream at...

   If I lose a hand, accident or not,, I'd replace it with a prosthetic gavel. Just so you can see that I'm judging you, and for garlic competitions.

   David Caruso finds the bomber dead in a boat,,,"Looks like someone could've used a...." (removes shades)... "Life preserver."

   And that's why I don't have a boat.

   Watching that episode where Scooby Doo takes a dump on the kitchen floor and Shaggy beats him mercilessly with an old newspaper...

   If you see anything posted from me that involves something normal or appropriate,, it is not me. I believe I've been hacked.

   How am I supposed to know if this cucumber fits if I can't take it into the changing room?

   LISTEN,, I know I said that I acquired language skills in utero, but perhaps I spoke too soon.

   True story: I saw 2 fat guys get in a shoving fight at the donut shop this morning.... Also true: I kept yelling "use your diabetes on him!!"

   My tattoos pretty much ALL mean the same thing.... I had money to blow.

   A fun thing to do during an argument is bring up every irrelevant detail from past arguments until you win & die alone.

   My advice for new parents: 1. You'll make mistakes... 2. Use the five second rule... 3. All kids are different... 4. You're a terrible parent.

   I'm already an idiot, I just need a village

   Darwin you idiot,, we actually evolved from babies

   At the hospital, I parked in the "C" section of their parking lot..... So, naturally, I had to climb out of the sunroof