Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I don't another superpower... When I lift my son to let his hand touch the ceiling,, I see it in his eyes.

   I'd like to return this pack of gum, They taste awful... "Sir, those are Band-Aids."... Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids,, Someone ate some.

   I keep a xylophone on me at all times,, just incase I have to tip toe anywhere

   I just remembed why I rarely post on FB..... As soon as I put a joke up, someone takes it seriously.

   Did you know that if you decapitate a vegan,, they can continue to talk about being a vegan for up to another 6 minutes?

   I'm always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

   Any amusement you may have experienced from my past posts are in no way a guarantee of future performance.... Please initial here and sign here.

   My BEST ever fart,, was the one that made my Grandmother turn round and say "Robert? Who's Robert?"

   My Ultra Sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

   ProTip: Get hoarders addicted to crack,,, they'll sell off all their crap.......... Boom, problem solved.

   Yeah,, I've tried boxers before,, but everytime I ran, it felt like someone was shooting dice in my pants..

   If what I just did in that Koreatown restaurant bathroom gets back to Kim Jong-un,, we're all doomed

   Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10............................... It's actually pretty elementary meth

   Lost my job as an aquarium tour guide when I told a group of 3rd graders that, " Sharks were just dolphins that were into the military."

   PRO PARENTING TIP: 1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest... .2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's ten... 3. When he asks you about the picture, stare silently into the ceiling for 10 min. then make chirping noise

   Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn't going to help me type any faster.

   Whoever named them "urinal cakes" has grossly overestimated their love for cake.... On a different note, what is the strongest toothpaste available?

   I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

   I just learned the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million..... How long did someone have to stay awake to figure that out?

   I find it highly suspicious that the three bears had the dexterity to buy furniture and make porridge in the first place.