Baddie Funny Status Messages

   If she hesitates when you ask her to 'hide this in your panties' then she's not the one.

   Hey fellas what's that called when your wife wakes up horny? Never. It's called never.

   Look lady, if you don't want me staring at your ass in public, let's go back to my place.

   My dentist just spent an hour in my mouth. So I get it girls, I get it.

   If you don't die at the end of your Facebook movie, I'm not interested.

   How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can't even make her a mix tape anymore?

   I jerked off to Poison for almost a year before I found out they were dudes. And then for like another 3 months.

   If you're a good enough cook, fat people will let you pet them while they're eating.

   Beer is good but beers are better.

   You lost me at "Sir, we need your social security number to run a credit check"

   I farted in Walmart and the lady next to me asked what kind of perfume I was wearing

   I saw a gorgeous Thai woman on the subway today. I kept thinking, "don't get an erection, don't get an erection," but then she did.

   The only benefit to getting up early is being the a$$hole who tells everyone how early he got up.

   Every Steven Seagal movie is 90 minutes of me looking for the remote to change the damn channel.

   Tell her you'll change. B*tches love change. Just ask Obama.

   Girls that are 16 and pregnant may look stupid now.. But their kids will move out when they are 34.

   She's not a slut, you guys... She just doesn't want anyone to feel left out.

   Couples who wear matching clothes should be stabbed with matching knives.

   Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: No idea, I'm not black.

   Spelling is not my best subject but I'm great at meth